his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
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