masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
