Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
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