Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
