bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
