Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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