Who wears a wallet chain?!
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I wish there were birth control emojis
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
