At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
