can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
