So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
