He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
