My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
