I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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