Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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