The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize
