last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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