I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
