someone get that fucking seahorse.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
