so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
