Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
