Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
