If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
