You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Randomize
