I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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