Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
