soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
