I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
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Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
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You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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