i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
