you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
