Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
