He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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