Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.