Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
