PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
23 People Reveal The Worst Culture Shock They’ve Ever Experienced While Traveling
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
27 People Confess Their Proudest Fap
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...