I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Randomize
