I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
