Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
