i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
me + whiskey = a bad person
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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