They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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