I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Randomize
