people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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