This is not my ceiling
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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