HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
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