JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
