so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
My breasts were aching with rage.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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