I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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