If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
