Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Princesses don't give blow jobs
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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