I'm sorry my penis didn't work
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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