It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
