You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
