This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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