dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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