I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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