sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
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