You just made me feel so damn special
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Randomize
