Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
