Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
